Reaching for bananas in the dark

11:39PM.  I swear I think I just witnessed my mom order drugs whilst sleeptalking.  No, I’m serious.  She was snoring, then all of the sudden she’d pressed the call button and ordered pain medication for back spasms, then started snoring again.  What a champ.  #HowImpressive

Yes.  I’m in the hospital, it’s roughly midnight on a Sunday and this is day two of our adventure here in the land of plastic gloves, IV drips, and scrubs.  There’s something about flossing your own mother’s teeth that puts life into perspective, wakes you up a bit.  It’s kinda sorta like getting a speeding ticket in a car.  You’re driving around, going from here to there, minding your own business, then those flashing blue and red lights go off in your rear view mirror and remind you that you just got a little too dang comfortable, you let the needle go just a little too far, and now you’re gonna pay for it.  Ugh.  Stupid.  Then for awhile after that speeding ticket, you do real good.  You say your vows to the universe to never speed again, you always use your turn signal, and you hold off at all stop signs for at least four Mississippis.  At least.

But then.  Ohhh yes there is a but then.  You eventually slip into the comfortable sleep of relaxed driving once again, into that beautiful autopilot mode where you get to places without ever thinking about it.   That is, until the red and blue lights catch you at it again.  Just a liiittle wake up call is all.  

12:02AM Interruption while my mother tricks me into deactivating the bed alarm so I can help her up to the bathroom.  Yes, this act of mischievery will get you told off by the nurse–“How did you turn off the alarm?  Do you work here?”  No, ma’am.  I just pressed buttons until the little light turned off–But now she is back in bed, the bed alarm is back on–YES I WON’T TOUCH IT– I’m back on my couch, and we’re back  in business.

12:29AM  This is gonna be a long night folks…I’ll attempt to stay on point.   SO.  We slip into the autopilot mode of life, checking out facebook, doing lots and lots of scrolling on screens, shoot a lot of texts while driving, and unless we get pulled over we won’t notice we are going too fast.  Sometimes I just need one of those weeks where my yard gets turned into a crime scene and my mom has to go to the hospital unexpectedly, am I right?  What remains to be seen is what God is doing here.  Here’s the breakdown of my day: this morning I could not control my tear ducts, I felt overwhelmed by sorrow and worry, I received prayer after church from one of my closest friends, then I had a strong afternoon surrounded by family in my mother’s hospital room. I fully believe the afternoon was affected by that prayer.  When she prayed, she prayed for peace, and she prayed for me to allow myself to be vulnerable in front of others.

I know, she’s the worst.

These past couple weeks have been like a crash course in vulnerability.  The thing is…I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO VULNERABLE.  (Yes, you read that right.)  I think I could count on two hands the number of times I’ve been truly vulnerable in my life.  Sidenote: deep and vulnerable are two different things to me right now.  Cause I can be real with people, I can share deep and valuable stuff that tells people who I am and what I’ve been through, I mean, I like love those convesations, I crave those conversations, when I don’t have those conversations I get dry and bored and don’t want to talk to you anymore.  Yet, I often pass on telling the information that is honest to goodness a risk to share.  Most the deep things I say are long since processed and moved on from.  Your reaction DOES NOT MATTER.  Go ahead, do whatever you like, you can’t touch me.  Why hello there wall of invulnerability, didn’t see you there.  Why do I have this up?  Why do protect myself like this?  Well, cause I’m protecting myself like this.  There always need to be lines, and as time and maturity come you have to renegotiate and renegotiate this line to an appropriate position.  When I got hurt in the past, that line got unreachable for people.  When time went on, the line got closer.  Learning to trust, having trust broken, rebuilding trust lost, on and on the process goes.  But here I am at this particular juncture, and the attitudes I have about my own weakness at this very moment indicate one thing: it’s time to re-evaluate my walls.

I limit what God can do when I keep these protective walls up, and the existence of these firmly placed walls indicate not just a mistrust in other people, but a mistrust in my God.  And thaaat, is something to be pulled over for.  So.  Alas.  I have no idea how I ended up talking about this, but I did.  And as I reach for a banana in my mom’s dark hospital room– a banana I am certain is around here somewhere because I saw on the table earlier when the light was on–I will think about how much further I am today then yesterday, which granted may not be that far, and I will continue to hope in the promise my God has given me and simply decide to trust in the process…as well as thinking about how reaching for this banana could be a metaphor of some kind but who’s to know for sure when it’s this late and your mom’s been talking about enemas all day.

There it is.  I ate it.  1:08AM.

IMG_50071.jpg

  I fully understand that I’m eating tacos here and not a banana, but like I mentioned earlier, it’s dark in here and this moment can’t be captured.  Don’t look a gift photo in the mouth.

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